Panic and a lot of confusion struck the BKC community today as a sandwich bit a student at the local Bandra Foundation School. The drama unfolded in the morning when a young boy’s attempt to bite off his sandwich, purchased just outside of the school, was met with resistance and
retaliation. The cheese. tomato and chutney sandwich became sentient, and when it felt the child’s teeth forcing their way through its crust, the sandwich swirled and bit the child instead.
Local police have detained the sandwich itself, and, for now, it’s being kept in a secure fridge in an undisclosed location.
“I’ve never seen anything like this. I’m a little bit scared myself”, admits the principal, who claims the breakfast was bought outside school premises. He was adamant that such an incident would not have occurred had the child had breakfast at home instead of buying one from an unknown vending machine. “This can’t happen with the food that is served in our school. We have a strict measure against serving anything alive to our children,” he continued.
“We choke the food, stab it several times and shoot it in what we presume to be the head before serving it to the children. The taste of lead is only a small price to be paid for quality food. You saw what happened to the child,” said the lunch lady while scratching her back with the serving spoon.
“It was indeed a shocking scene. At first, I thought that the boy was joking around, but after 10 minutes of struggle and a litre of lost blood, I decided to take action,” said the teacher who saved the child from the sandwich’s bite.
The sandwich will be tested by scientists who argue how it came to life. According to some scholars, the breakfast was so old that the fungi that originated on the decaying sandwich had evolved enough to organise their own civilisation and culture. Due to religious beliefs, they sacrificed a number of young fungi. Unfortunately for them, this was an old witch spell, which brought the sandwich to life. Other scholars were reluctant to comment on this theory, as they dismissed it as “complete and idiotic crap only a moron could think of.”
Meanwhile, the government issued a statement in which they claim this is not the weirdest thing that has happened in Bandra. “This is far from the most disturbing reports we get, so it doesn’t deserve such an outrage.” However, the locals demand the sandwich to be dissected and see what made it come to life. This wouldn’t be so difficult and costly, since it consists of literally two parts of old bread, some cheese, and some pieces of tomato.
However, several human rights organisations are demanding that the sandwich be given immunity as the first representative of its kind. “After all, the child is alive, isn’t it? There’s no point in killing a representative of a new race on our planet. We’d better live together in harmony,” commented the hippies, who came with posters and whistles.
For their part, the locals refused to take part in this madness and only threatened to start ordering breakfast to avoid this whole circus in the future.